To be truthful and honest is something few of us are good at. In fact, if we can avoid it and hide behind half-truths and lies, we are in bliss. It makes us feel so good when we have pulled the wool over someone else’s eyes. As if we may do so. Because everyone else does it, right?

This has been so far from being true that it is actually a sin to your own being. When you hide and show up a front, no one gets to know the real you, and you lose relationships on the run. Then miscommunication takes place, and these people become strangers in a matter of minutes. Lies are born to spare the other’s feelings, and we become really mean.

After 55 summers, I had to admit to myself I am a people’s pleaser. I never thought I was. I was that type of person, that no matter how many times people trample on me, I just turned the other cheek and become numb and passive while continuing with a toxic relationship. After that, I will go to a poor-me state of mind and look for the answer everywhere accept closer at home.

Since 2014, this has changed in a way but not definitely. Although I refuse to be seen as poor-me but as a person that gets her act together, I still made mistakes. I said yes when I essentially meant no. And said no when I genuinely wanted to say yes. I was a very confused human being, searching for answers in all the inappropriate places. 

Through my articles up to now, I hope you have detected a trend. I try being as open as possible about my experiences without being offensive or to direct with the topic at hand.

I am a very direct individual. People who know me know this about me. But what you don’t know is that I take a long time, after many hurts, let downs or rejections, to get to that pivotal point. When I reach that point, I am blunt, like a person possessed. I stand my ground. Right or wrong. I don’t like to be dismissed. Or treated as if my thoughts don’t matter. I am genuinely tired of proofing myself to people that don’t grasp me. There is undoubtedly a stage where you get numb of the way people treat you. It is not about them, but about me.

I am not a big fan of the me-factor. But, to grow up I had to look at it. I don’t tiptoe around certain topics any longer. I get to the heart of it, face it, and without forgetting my manners, declare what’s on my heart.

In the last 5 years, I have learned more than I experienced in the previous fifty years. It is pitiable to admit but honest. I have learned so much about myself that I was discouraged, heartbroken, and even ashamed about me. Every so often I wanted to crawl under a carpet and stay there.

Through it although, I’ve learned to be blunt honest without enduring days, weeks, months or years of turmoil to get there. Or take it because, in my feeble mind, I thought I deserved it.

I’m listening to an audible book entitled, Girl, wash your face by Rachel Hollis and is astounded that this young woman, the same age as my eldest daughter can be so on-point while discussing the crucial truths we, as women need to hear. Where was she when I was 19 years old? Where was she when I was 52 years old, pining over a lost love? Committing mistakes upon mistakes to hold on to this man, just to learn I’m not good enough; and think this relationship had a future. I was beyond ignorant. Especially when on Facebook he announced his engagement to another on the trip, which was promised to me a year earlier. It took me a while to overcome the shock. I had had to be hit on the head before I realized it was over. There will be no future with him, nor the life I envisioned of us. I had to acquit myself for the stupidity I allowed to happen to me.

By the end of 2019, I felt let down, weak and uncertain about my life and my career as an author and the freelance services I offered. It felt as if my dreams were insignificant. No one was listening, and I was accused of being unfair in my business dealings. I was at a new low. With no distinct idea where it was heading.

The sole source I clung to is: You received a new page. Own it. The gentle voice of my Father kept on reminding me of this. I’ve learned to say no much quicker and state my mind in a direct and respectful way and feel good about it. I get to the facts and tell it as it is. If I made a mistake, I would own it, ask right away for forgiveness, and dust it off. It is done. Lesson learned. I’ve placed it behind me and moved on. If you didn’t deal with it, not my problem. I will not bear someone else’s ideas of me and make it mine. It has nothing to do with me. No more dwelling over the fears, how’s, the what-if or the why’s.

By the last day of 2019, I felt drained but hyped. Does that make sense? Financially, 2020 has not started positively for me, yet I continue dreaming. I have kept on dreaming no matter the reality I face. I’ve amended my plan somewhat, and I feel capable of accomplishing it.

Today is my future in mind. I relish in the thought that my dreams matter. I am busy learning to change my why’s to how’s. On the odd occasion, I still stumble but get right back up. I don’t have the pleasure of another 50 years ahead of me like when I was younger. I need to let each day count. In achieving this, I stretch myself fully and reach for the stars while holding on to receive my miracle.

This morning I read Mark 16: 1-20, which confirmed this to me. The angel of God will roll the hindrance away (stone) for me. I mustn’t be frightened. Christ will make the way. All I have to do is tell and signs and miracles will follow. In the go and tell, my breakthrough will appear because Christ goes before me. 

My future is now.

What new realization did you experience for 2020?

©Lynelle Clark2020

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