I have written this piece in 2016. Looking back, I have come a long way in the four years and my perceptions have changed from then to now. In a span of four years, and much needed growth my point of view is similar but with a touch of grown-up into it. Like when you add Cumin to a pot of soup. It enhances the flavour and you wonder why you have missed it all these years.

Back then I had to get my balance back and get settled. 2016 was a rough year. Not only was my heart broken but I lost my car in a scam and it became a battle of two years before the culprit was arrested and jailed. And I am still without my car. But I accepted that as part of my learning and to right my balance again.

Here is what I have written in 2016…

“The last couple of months were the most exciting time I had in a very long time, although silent in the sense that I didn’t write anything my life had undergone interesting twists; each opportunity a learning curve where I discovered so much of myself.

As a single woman, I realised my vulnerability; for a long time, I lived in a very safe cocoon allowing my husband to think for me. But since the bold step to stand on my own, taking responsibility for myself, I realised that my understanding of life was shaped by my circumstances, and the people or culture I lived in. In short, I wasn’t street smart.

In those days, I perceived people in black and white with little or no grace towards them. Now those unyielding glasses had fallen away, and my awareness of life became more colourful; making room not only for my own mistakes but those I’ve met. Because of this life isn’t rigid or set in stone any longer. It has become a kaleidoscope of laughter and passion, where I discover new opportunities at every corner. Venturing into the unknown to find incredible prospects and beautiful things along the way. At times I’m amazed at my own boldness as I walked into places I would not have dreamed to do previously and making friends. My pioneer spirit revelling in the new person emerging from the cocoon.

I’ve learned to trust my gut; I made mistakes when I disobeyed that little voice who diligently watch over me. While doing this I learned to have fun, laughing more than I did in a long time. I learned that it’s okay to mess up—no longer do I chastise myself in doing so—and at times eat some humble pie but all of that taught me valuable skills to use in my daily life and work environment. I work with people every day and at times I experience the good, the bad and the ugly all in a span of one week. We have different perceptions but when finely tuned in—making the effort—the ugly turns out beautiful, the bad good and the good sometimes bad. Life is a fine balance between them all.

My love life had its own challenges, but I found it easier to compromise with the challenges which would have driven me up the wall prior to my own experiences. Again, it had to do with those colourful glasses that replaced the strictness I had which had given me a better understanding of the situation…. or maybe it is the streaks of grey dusting my hair… But life prepared me.

In the past, patience wasn’t my biggest attribute, and I was very demanding when I felt I didn’t receive my due. I’d learned to stand back, access and wait. Slow to anger became another characteristic that had emerged from it all when I had to deal with the challenges it presented.

In my last relationship, although similar in our thought process there were things we saw differently and of course each of us were in different stages of life (when going through a divorce you need to find your balance on your own) it threw curveballs into a very young relationship and we had to accommodate each other or it would drive us apart: which it did.  The pressure of life didn’t give us the opportunity to make it work.

When two people meet, two worlds have to find a way to come together effortlessly (in my mind in any case). Now I need to adjust myself and find meaning and what I really want from life. Incorporating another human being into it without forgetting who I am.

For now, coming together and being part of someone’s life has taken a back seat to life. Because of this, uncertainty has become something I have to face often making life and any futuristic plans a confusing display of emotions and thoughts not sure what the next day would bring; it’s then that I’m forced to step back, reflect re-evaluate before I would say or do something that ultimately could destroy me.

In a second relationship more work goes into it. Gone are the rosy outlook of a new relationship. You experienced heartbreak, you had kids, you went through the ebbs and flows of life. Today you know it is not all confetti, champagne, and roses.

Today I understand it better. Maybe I knew it but back in my mind but cost me the pain of a failed relationship to truly grasp it. From the beginning we would face certain obstacles – long distance, insecurities, and crucial life decisions were just some of it. Maybe I should have walked away sooner (before my heart became attached). I stayed because I have invested so much of myself in the relationship. And I genuinely loved him. At that time, to walk away would leave me lonely and empty which I was not willing to face. When the inevitable happened, I was off balanced.

The outcome caused more blunders on the way, blunders that cost me emotionally and financially. I can blame no one but myself and I had to own up to them. The emptiness it left unsettled me and I honestly believed I would never found love or that I don’t deserve it.

This unbalance left me with crushing results. During this new journey I got to know myself and appreciate the intensity of those feelings but also to let go. Personally, I feel love and passion is overrated and if you are not willing to adapt you will lose your authenticity and genuineness. People will use you as an easy target, the reason I lost my car. I will not sell myself short just to be accepted ever again. Not everyone appreciates it.”

Since I have written this piece, I have learned to turn back to my Heavenly Father. And my experiences had become another learning curve. Changing my perceptions once more. I study and write and allow the process to work and not rebel against the circumstances, but embrace it. This gives me the confidence to reach out to other women in need.

With all this said, I simply want to leave you with the thought: Don’t be afraid to live, to dream, to love and yes, even to make mistakes.

To be true to ourselves takes determination and courage and at times you would be lonely not sure about the choices or even the next step but looking at the bigger picture, we learn to know our own strengths discovering a world that would accept us for who we are.

But mostly to accept ourselves.

Be true to you.

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